Introspection...

Over the last couple of weeks at church, we have talked about God's blessings in our lives and what we do with them. Blessings like finances, time, talents, relationships, etc. One question that was raised has been churning in my brain ever since..."What would you want said about you at your funeral?"

I don't know what I want said about me specifically, but this question has made me take a serious look at the kind of person I am, and I've come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes, particularly in the way I choose to interact with those around me. I'm not saying that I treat those around me badly necessarily, but I could do a lot better.

In terms of friendships, I don't have that many. The "why" behind this bothered me until someone said to me that the only real way for me to find good friend "connections" so-to-speak, is to take that first step and BE that friend to someone else. That's hard for me, and I'm not sure why. I've realized now, though, that it doesn't matter how hard it is, I need to start trying to be a blessing to someone else.

I've also felt recently, that the friendships I have are very much one-sided. It seems like I've been leaning on others a lot lately (I lean on God too, not just people), not giving my friends the opportunity to lean on me. Maybe they've, in some respect, chosen not to because they either can't trust me for whatever reason, or because they just don't feel like I can handle it. I could be WAY off in this (that's probably very likely), but it's just the way I've begun to feel lately.

There is one thing I've wanted to do for a long time, but I've not been successful at up to this point...I really need to learn how NOT to be so sarcastic all the time. There are times where it's warranted, but more often than not, I say things that are inappropriate, or end up being misinterpreted. I started using it as a defense mechanism in high school, after spending 3 years playing the doormat for my classmates in middle school. I needed it then, justto stand up for myself, but now that it's no longer a necessity in my daily life, I don't know how to stop it. Because of this, I'm sure there are times where I have come off as obnoxious or attention-seeking, which is definitely not who I am. Along that same line, I really need to not talk so much. I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to be a good friend to someone if you're babbling all the time.

I'm not trying to sound like I'm being self-loathing, because I'm not. These are just a few things that, if I can improve on them even a little bit, I can be a better friend to the friends I have now, and to the friends God will lead me to in the future.

What do I want said about me at my funeral? I'd like to be remembered as someone who blessed the lives of those around me, even if it's in just a really small way. I guess I just want to make a difference somehow...

One more step...and an unexpected stumble

As I mentioned in this post a few days ago, I finally took a step of obedience in my faith by approaching the music pastor at church about the possibility of joining the worship team. Well, we had a chance to speak today for a few minutes after the service, and to my surprise, he told me that he would be more than happy to have me join. I was thrilled by this for two reasons:

1) I really felt like God has been leading me to take this step since I first came to GTA a couple of years ago. I love to sing, and now I get to bless the Lord by using my gift to (hopefully!) help someone reach a new level of closeness with the Lord.

2) I feel a little vindicated. After hearing my father tell me I can't sing last summer, I thought maybe it was time to just let it go...Clearly God had other plans. Please don't think for a second that I intend to throw this back at my father in any way. I won't. I'm not doing this to prove to people that they were wrong about me...I'm doing this because God wants me to. Truth is, I really have no idea what His reasons are yet. I'll find out when it's time, but for now, I'm just blessed to have the opportunity.

Cut to me driving from the church to the bus stop...About 3 or so minutes after I get onto the sidewalk, I LITERALLY blew a wheel on my chair! (Stop laughing...I'm serious!) Yep..the back right wheel comes right off. So there's me, alone on the sidewalk, in the freezing rain, praying that I make it home on 5 wheels (with the stray wheel on my lap, of course). I did manage to get home safely (although I did get stuck twice) despite the fact that my hands were frozen solid and my hair was full of ice pellets.

My chair is fine. I called for an emergency repair and the stray wheel was fixed (don't ask me how this happened, I have NO clue! Chalk it up to an angry devil I guess...).

Needless to say, this is one Sunday I won't forget for awhile...

Just some clarification...

I have gone back and forth all day about whether or not to post this, but it really does seem necessary. This is my personal blog, and therefore, the things I choose to post are, at times, personal in nature. That being said, I want to clarify for those of you reading this who know me personally that, unless I mention specific names or instances, all of my posts should be read as generalizations....nothing more.

I am not the type to use my blog as a tool to attack or hurt people in my life. I try not to post about instances in my life that cannot be interpreted as a generalization. If, for any reason, you feel like I am referring to you specifically, please feel free to ask me about it if you need to, but all of you can take comfort in the fact that nothing posted here is my way of getting my point across to you.

I may avoid confrontation in all it's forms wherever possible, but rest assured that I am not THAT passive agressive.

The reason I decided to start this blog in the first place was to try and document any areas of personal struggle and growth that I have as much as possible.

That said, please feel free to continue reading about the mellow-dramatic trainwreck that is, at times, my life

Baby steps...

If you think about it, that's what this massive journey we call life is made of. That's all it takes to walk in the will of the Lord. Baby steps. A little wobly and unsure, but still, we move. Sometimes we fall, and even get hurt....But with the help of friends, others who love us, and our ever-loving Saviour, we get up and continue moving.

I've learned this lesson over this past year since returning to GTA. Just keep moving forward if and when God tells me to...afraid or not. Easier said than done right? But still I do my best, at least that's what I thought until earlier tonight (technically, I guess you could say it was yesterday since it's 3:00am), when I was working on an essay for my English class. I was typing away about the role color plays in Batman: The Dark Knight Returns while listening-and singing along to- (yes, I CAN think, type and sing at the same time thank you very much!) a CD my friend lent me when God said "When are you going to ask Pastor Tim about the worship team?"

I know that sounds really random, but it's not really. God's been telling me to ask about it since I returned to GTA last year, but out of fear (of what I'm not sure really), I avoided it. Even when God provided me a huge crater of an opening for me while I was in the Christmas choir, I chose not to. Until tonight. I finally sent the e-mail. I'm not holding my breath for anything though...at least not yet for a couple of reasons:

1) The team is probably pretty well full right now...maybe when the students go home for the summer, I might get considered.

2) I'm not sure I'm good enough. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I suck (although, to find out for sure, I should check with the people who stood within ear shot of me in the choir...HAHAHA!), but the team is REALLY good...I'm talking recorded CD's good.

All that said, I do feel like singing is, and always has been one of the major callings on my life. Over the last year, I've come to the conclusion (with God's help) that there are 3 difinitive calls on my life. The first is teaching. I've been doing this all my life in some respect, I've had to. Generally speaking, people don't really know what to do with me when they first meet me. Take my experience at GTA as an example. As far as I know, I am the only active member of the congregation with a pronounced physical disability. I'm not content to just attend services every week (although I try to as much as I can). I have to DO things. So since there really is no precident for someone like me at GTA, I along with those I come into contact with, am charting new territory. Everything from helping to make sure the new biulding we move into in a couple of years is as completely accessible as possible, making sure the ramp to the basement is shovelled, to finding another way to get on to the platform until a new ramp can be made, or teaching a few trusted people how to transfer me safely into a car or lift me up a flight of stairs. There are some people who would be frustrated by having to do all of these things. I know this because I used to be one of them. I mistakenly just expected that every necessary arrangement would be made for me, without me having to say a word. WRONG. It's not second nature for most people to do this, so if I want to be involved, it's my RESPONSIBILITY to teach what needs to be taught. If I do it right, maybe the next person with a disability who has a heart to be active in the church won't have to work as hard.

Vocationally though, I feel called to teach children with learning and behavioural disabilities, either as an Educational Assistant or a fully certified Special Education teacher.

The second calling I have felt since I was very young, even if it is years away. I know in my heart that I am called to be a wife and a mother someday. This might sound a little weird, but I feel like God wants me to journal about my child bearing experience when it happens, so that the stigma that people with disabilities either can't or shouldn't have children can be minimized at least. Again, it goes back to the teaching thing. People tend to run from things they know little or nothing about. Once people see that it's been done, and done safely, maybe things will change. This one is a LONG time off, but it's there nonetheless.

The third one, as I mentioned above, is singing. Despite being told to just give it up, and that I was not good enough to really do anything with it (this is just my family, I won't mention the things that people who DON'T love me have said), I can't seem to stop...and believe me, I've tried. I just can't figure out yet how God wants me to use this particular gift. I will say this though....Before I came to the Lord, I used the stage as a way to hide. I could hide behind the character (if I was acting) or the song. I felt like if someone judged me I could say it was a character. When I was up there singing, for one I didn't care about being stared at...I actually liked it. Though I still love the rush ofa live crowd, the feeling of singing on the platform at church over Christmas was different. At the end of the show when we led the audience in a praise song, I felt somthing I'd never felt before. I still can't describe it. There's nothing like looking out and watching people be taken to a place of complete joy in the Lord. Helping people get to that place is incredible...

Maybe one day soon, I'll get to look out from the platform and see my parents in that place...

Frienships...What makes them "real"?

This is another question I have been asking myself quite a bit recently...Some things have happened over the years and also in recent weeks that make me wonder what "true friendship" really means, and who do I have in my life that fits that description...

I've always had a hard time making and maintaining friendships for some reason. Part of me thinks that part of the reason for this is that some people feel obligated to be "nice to the girl in the wheelchair" without ever actually truly considering me a friend. I've come to the conclusion that this was probably the case throughout most of my years at Easter Seal camp. There were people there that I cared for very much and became very close to (particularly staff). I could talk to these people about anything that I needed to, and could depend on them to be there whenever I needed them. Then the camp closed, and it seemed like I lost those friendships as well as the one place I truly felt at home.

Then there are the friends that I have met online. With the exception of one person, I can't say that I feel a real, deep connection with any of them. Sure, we have common interests, and we can even help each other through certain issues in our lives, but I've seen recently that it doesn't take much to damafe these friendships.

Outside of these two areas, I have a really difficult time with friends. It seems like people for the most part feel very awkward around me. There's no going out and just having fun...that's too hard, too much of a production....And if I do manage to meet someone who seems unphased by all of it, I find myself waiting for that to go away. That's part of why I love the arts. When I'm part of a production, I can meet people and have fun without putting someone in the position of working around my disability. Does that make sense?

Ultimately, my biggest issue comes down to this: Past experiences have taught me that venturing out an searching for any type of connection if you will, is fruitless. Most of the time what I find is superficial and without substance, or I end up too connected, and the relationship ends up being much more important to me than the other person.

Is there a way to strike a balance, or are we as humans just forced to step out and take the risk, regardless of the outcome?

One year....

In Februrary 2006, I took my first timid steps back towards the throne of my Father. On the urging of someone who is now my closest friend, I entered Glad Tidings Assembly...again. I had been there once before in April of 2004, just once. I got to the Saturday service VERY early, and so I immediately felt like I stood out in the worst way possible...so I left...Little did I know I was running from God. I should have known it was God who drew me to GTA, when, upon first glance, the music pastor referred to me as "trouble"...

Since that Sunday in February, my life has literally been changed in ways that I could never have predicted, For the first time in my life, I finally feel like I "fit" somewhere. It's a place full of people I can count on to be there...for an uplifting word, a prayer, a hug, or all three...

My best friend says she can see a marked change in me since my return to the Lord and to GTA. I can't...at least not as much as she can. I think I'm still the same girl that tries to hide when in a large grouo of people, the same girl who tends to speak first and think later, regardless of the consequences. However, I have noticed, especially over the last week, that I have learned that it's okay to be angry with God when you can't see exactly what He's doing...It's okay if you can't muster the strength to do anything but cry when spending time with him...All of that is fine so long as you don't move until He tells you to...You'll end up hurting more than just yourself. Take it from someone who learned that lessson the hard way this week...

I've been thinking about this past year over the last few days, and I think my favorite time of the year came when God called me to join the "King of Heaven" choir. Initially, when He told me to do this, I fought Him...hard...I had only been back from visiting my family for a week or so, and just before I left, my father made a comment about me not being able to sing. I decided then (at least I thought I had), that I would never sing again. And the He spoke. I tried to defend my position, but the Lord was quick to respond with these words: "Who knows you better than I who created you?" From that point on, I just decided to shut up and sing.

I've been singing for as long as I can remember. I've always considered music to be a kind of equalizer for me. This was proven especially true during my experience in the choir. Once the music started, it was no longer about me, but about Him. Beyond that, I have to say that the effort made to help me "fit" was unbelievable. Never in my life (and I have lots of experience with choirs) has someone thought to put a regular chair on top of a riser so that the audience could see me better.

That's just one of the many examples I have to look back on over this past year. I can't really articulate how grateful I am to the Lord for using Sherry to push me back through those doors again.

I've learned many lessons this year, but the most important is this...If you let it, one year can change your life.

Praise Him always for his goodness!

Questions...

Some things have happened over the course of the last week that have me quite confused and asking 3 main questions:

1. How do you really know when you've heard from the Lord? This question has followed me for a long time...long before this past week. I know some things, like, God will not say anything that does not line up with his Word, and other stuff of the like. I've been trying to dig deeper in His Word in an attempt to varify what I think He's trying to tell me, but I've let other "stuff", like school, get in the way of that. I need to change that. As unsure as I am about when and if I have truly heard from the Lord most of the time, I know for sure that I heard Him loud and clear through message I heard at church on Sunday. If you're interested in hearing it for yourself (this is one of maybe 3 times that I can remember, where I felt like God smacked me upside my stubborn head and gave me his very best "Verizon" commercial impression: "Can you hear me now? GOOD!) you can read the message notes and download the audio here. I can't explain how I know for sure that He was speaking to me through that message, but I just did...Then there are times when I can't really decipher (despite constant prayer) what is His will and what I want His will to be for the situations I'm facing. Does that make sense?

2. Can you trust God and still have some trepidations? My initial thought would be "no", but then I wonder if it comes down to what do rather than what you feel. For instance, I'm going through what I feel is the biggest test in my Christian life to date. Granted, I have really only been re-committed to the Lord for a year this month, but I have never felt before like God was seemingly stripping everything away from me, so that my only option is to trust Him. And I do...I think. Basically, what I need to know is, does complete trust God mean that I keep moving towards what I believe He wants me to do, or does complete trust mean that fear does not even factor into the equation?

3. What is the appropriate way to confront someone that you believe is headed towards something that could hurt them without sounding judgmental? Is it even apporopriate at all? Judgmental. An adjective that has been used to describe me this week, and quite a few times in recent past by people who care about me. It leaves me no choice but to evaluate my words and my methods of dealing with people in general. My heart may be in the right palce, but I just seem to end up driving a wedge between myself and those I care about. I was referred to that way again this week, by someone that I truly care about, which hurt me a lot more than I was ready for. All my life, there has been 3 words that make me cringe because I so despise their connotoations: 1. Handicapped. (that is a term to describe a somebody's golf game, not their disability). 2. Crippled, (this is a 1950's word that I feel makes people with disabilities sound like invalids). 3. Retard(ed) ( I truly HATE this word. As far as I'm concerned, there is no better way to demean someone with a disability and/or those with intellectual delays). I guess now I should add 4. Judgmental to the list. (To me it seems like people use this word against Chistians--and I discovered this week that there are times when Christians use it on each other--as a way of perhaps putting someone in their place). Granted, I see where the person was coming from, and maybe the way I worded some things was wrong, but I certainly was not judging...I wasn't trying to anyway.

I need to change my methods before I end up completely alienating myself from those I care about.