Resentment, Reliability, and Renewal

As I mentioned previously, I am visiting with my family over the holidays, and I have to be honest...anyone that spent much time with me in the days leading up to my leaving town, knows that I was not looking forward to this trip. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but my relationship with my younger sister has just seemed to progressively deteriorate over the last 5 years to the point where she has actually acted out in violence toward me in the recent past. Mostly though, she just attacks me with her words. I had hoped that this trip would be different that my last, but if last night is any indication of what the rest of my stay will be like, I will be headed back to London right after Boxing Day.

I won't go into the details here about what went on, except to say that she became enraged with me to the point where she was screaming at me and calling me every cuss word she could think of. When she gets that way, I start to worry that she might, again, lash out physically. It's really caused me to question why she seems to be so hostile towards me when nobody else in my life has ever responded to me this way. Is it the result of years of pent up resentment because I received more attention when we were younger because of my disability? And if it is, is there anything that I can do to fix the situation? I've tried talking to her, but she always refuses. I hate feeling like this could all be fixed so easily if I just stayed away...

At least when things are rough here, I know that there is at least one person that I can confide in that won't tell me I'm over-dramaticizing, but at the same time is very quick to remind me not to forget Whose I am. She's ALWAYS there....I wonder sometimes if I tell her enough how vitally important she is to me. For the first time im my life, someone truly understands me.

Please don't miss understand, I love my family and things aren't always heated and stressful around here. I think I may just be noticng it more because I'm only here twice a year. It also has a lot to do with the fact that God has done a mighty work in my heart since I joined GTA 10 or so months ago (I don't remember the date specifically, but it was early February sometime). The people there have truly made me feel like one of the family, and I thank God for them every chance I get. It's given me exactly what I needed when I needed it. I still have a LOT of growing to do, but I've come a long way.

As of today, there are 9 days left in 2006. A new year is a chance for renewal. Hopefully, if I take the advice of a friend and really monitor my words and, mopre importantly, my actions aound my family, the new year could mean the renewal of relationships all around.

Wow...

A little while ago I was quite bored, so I decided to take a look through some of the pictures that my mother has loaded on her computer, and I came across one picture of her and my father from many years ago (my mother must have been around my age), and I realized something....I look EXACLTLY like her. Now, I do see some of my older sister in her as well, but mostly..I just see me. I decided to post a cropped version of the photo here (I cut my father out merely for comparison sake), just so that you all can see for yourselves. The photo of my mother is on the left, and I am on the right.

I wish I had a better comparison shot, but this will have to do for now.





I guess this blows my whole "I must be adopted" schtick right out of the water... LOL! Oh well...

Hound Hassles, and a Hallelujah Chorus

Well, I am officially back visiting with my family in North Bay. Getting here, however, was NOT easy. This is the way it works when I have to travel using a Greyhound busline of any kind (Greyhound, Ontario Northland, PMCL, etc) First, I haqve to call both buslines that I use to get from London to North Bay (in this case, Greyhound and Ontario Northland) a minimum of 48 hours in advance to be sure that a wheelchair accessible coach replaces a non-accessible coach on the routes that I am travelling. While on the phone, I give the requested information to the attendant and then I am told that I will be called back when it has been confirmed that everything is set to go. Knowing this process as I do, from travelling back and forth as often as I do I gave both buslines 4 days advance notice. I heard back from both buslines on Saturday and Sunday, respectively.

So, confident that everything was good to go for my 10:30a.m. trip to Toronto, I head to the Greyhound station to buy my tickets. I always buy my tickets on the same day that I travel so that I don't loose them **Traveller tip---If you are connected somewhere onto a different busline, purchase them in separate transactions, it's MUCH cheaper (ex. Transaction 1: Lon-Tor, Trans 2: Tor-North Bay). Unfortunately, this is where I ran into the first of what would be many problems today--For some reason, the computer at the counter wouldn't give me the student discount on my Ontario Northland ticket, and since I could only afford student prices, I was told that I would have to purchase this ticket in Toronto and hope that they give me a discount, since they were apparently not honoring student fares during the holidays. "No problem", I thought. "I'll have lots of time to pick it up during my 90 or so minute layover. Of course, I'll have to pray that I have enough money in my account to cover the cost" WRONG! No sooner had I left the ticket counter when the Greyhound driver came in to check for any last minute passengers. As soon as he spotted me, he looked confused. I've been through this before---that look meant that someone screwed up at the head office in Calgary, and the bus going to Toronto did NOT have a lift! Naturally, I started to panic (wouldn't you). I was near tears trying to explain that I had a 2:30p.m. connection to make in Toronto. See, unlike able-bodied people, I don't have the luxury of just catching the next bus out. If I miss my scheduled bus, I'm likely screwed for another 48 hours at least. Fortunately, I was told that I would get on the noon bus, and JUST make it for my connection.

Once I was finally loaded onto the right bus, the panic of possibly not being able to pay for my next ticket, thanks to me not being notified of this whole "no student discounts on the holidays" junk over the phone like I should have been when I ASKED about student pricing, hit...HARD! I did the only thing I could think of to do...pick up my cell phone and call my best friend Sherry in Georgia and ask her to pray. Of course, as soon as she picked up, she could immediately sense that I was upset. I instantly burst into tears right there on the bus as I attempted to explain the situation, plead for prayer, and make sense all at the same time. Thankfully, she told me that if, when I got there, I found out that I didn't have enough money for the ticket, that I was to call her and she would give them her credit card information over the phone. Prior to this, she asked me why I hadn't just called my friend Jamie for help. Truthfully, I had completely forgotten that I had his cell phone number in my phone. Besides, I didn't really feel right calling someone that I've only known a few months (as great as he is....And believe me, someone that will carry you up a handfull of stairs for 6 straight performances and a couple of rehearsals is the epitome of great in my book. More on the performance experience later...) a blubbery mess, and asking for MORE help.

Finally I made it to Toronto at around 2:15p.m. I get inside the terminal only to find the ticket line at least 50 people long! At 2:30, the time the bus was scheduled to depart, the driver finds me and rushes me to the front of the line so that I could buy my ticket. Thanks to a miracle from my Saviour, I DID end up receiving the student discount after all, and made it back to my family without further incident.

On another note, last night was the final performance of "King of Heaven", the Christmas production at my church, for which I was in the choir. It was, in my mind, the best performance of the six we did in total. Everyone was spot on! The actors were spectacular, the choir soloists were all in top form, and I even managed not to tear up when Jamie sang "Majesty". Of course, I'm sure keeping my eyes closed the entire time had a far bit to do with it. Unfortunately though, since I'm here I won't be at the production party/DVD viewing tomorrow night. For those of you who read this from Simply, as soon as I get a copy for myself, I'll talk to Char and see what I can do so that anyone who wants to can see it.

Doing this production was probably the most fun I've had in a very long time. That's probably because I felt more included over the past number of weeks than I have in years. Whether it was something as simple as auditioning and getting the same chance as everyone else, or Pastor Tim putting a regular chair up on a riser so that, even though I was sitting down the whole time, I was still relatively level to the choir, or Jamie, someone I had met just prior to rehearsals getting under way, carrying me up a set of stairs every night. I think that, as simple as it seems, had the most impact on me, although I can't quite figure out why. Maybe it comes from the fact that most people I've met in the past, guys in particular, tend to shy away from that kind of hands on assistance....especially for someone they barely know. Let's just say this act, and every act of kindness or "inclusion", that was shown to me over the course of these past few months has really shown me that in order to really have the love of Christ in you, saying the right words isn't enough....You, and I, need to ACT.

-Ashleigh

Frustration....

That's what I'm feeling right now. Not because someone wronged me...No, I'm frustrated by something that I have absolutely no control over. I've always had an issue with startling over the slightest loud noise. It's part of my disability, I really can't do much about it, and for the most part, I've kept it hidden from most of the people who know me. At least I did until recently. It's gotten worse since the "King of Heaven" production started at church last weekend. It seems that, no matter what I do, I can't seem to get this under control.

I've always been rather self conscious about this (it comes from members of my family making jokes about it at my expense), but I've learned to live with it. It just bothers me to know that people are noticing. Don't get me wrong, nobody has said anything even remotely offensive to me about it, it's just something that's always frustrated me because I know exactly when it will happen, but I'm powerless to stop it the majority of the time. For the most part, I make jokes about it with people ( I learned to laugh at myself at a very young age) and I like that. It puts others at ease. I tend to only feel this way when it has an impact on my performances, which is what's been happening lately. I mean, I still sing to the best of my ability every time I'm up there (after all, it's not about me, it's about Him), but there is a part of me that dreads it throughout the whole performance.

I've been asked numerous times whether or not I would give up my disability if it were ever possible, and I always say no. I still say no, but I would, however, "jump" at the chance to be less spastic! Okay, that beyond corny, even by my standards...HAHAHAHA!

-Ashleigh

Putting the Word to work...(ppg 170, 186, 196)

I can't believe that it's been a whole two weeks since I posted anything, nevermind the Putting the Word to Work questions. I guess this just goes to prove that I haven't spent near enough time in the Word as I should have over the last little while. Well that changes now. For those of you who have responded to me about these questions, thank you. I pray that you continue to be fed by these questions. Once again, you can find these questions in the Everyday Life Bible, commentary and notes by Joyce Meyer.

Putting the Word to Work (pg 170)

Leviticus contains much instruction on eating. Do you have any eating habits that you know are unwise or displeasing to the Lord? Ask Him to help you eat heathfully.

I suppose there are quite a few things about my eating habits that are unwise and thus, displeasing to the Lord. I tend to skip meals alot, especially when I am in pain. When I do eat, I tend to go for what is the quickest and easiest to access. These foods, more often than not, are the least healthful thing I should be eating. I am going to try and make better food choices in the future, especially since I will be returning to college next month.


Putting the Word to Work (pg 186)

1. The Bible specifically instructs us not to gossip. Let me ask you, how do you handle the things you hear? Remember to always keep confidences, honor other people's "business", and keep other people's secrets. DO not be what Leviticus 19:16 calls a "dispenser of gossip.

I'll admit that in years past, I was horrible when it came to gossip. I think it came from years of being picked on and gossiped about, that I gradually just started to talk about others. Since I've come to the Lord recently, I have gotten better, although I still gossip from time to time. Only now, however, I catch myself, and more often than not, remove myself from that situation relatively quickly.

2. Do you hold grudges? Remember that the Bible teaches us not to hold grudges (see Leviticus 19:18), but instead to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Let go of anything t hat you have against anyone.

Ouch! This question hit me like a ton of bricks. This is an area in which I need to do a lot of improving. I don't tend to hold grudges against every person that hurts me intentionally, just my family...particularly my younger sister. She and I have never been close, and she makes no secret of the fact that she dislikes me. I know I shouldn't hold anger towards her, and I try to release it, but it seems like the closer I get to going back to visit my parents, the enemy is quick to remind me of every wrong thing that she has ever said or done to me. I have vowed this year, that when I go back there to celebrate Christmas with my family, I will make a sincere effort to start fresh with her (even if it's only on my end.)


Putting the Word to Work (pg 196)

Much of our modern society seems to have lost respect for the name of the Lord. Do you honor His name in your speech? Do not use the names GOd, Lord, or Jesus in a frivolous or disrespectful way. Always remember that His name represents all that He is, and his name is to be honored not only in our hearts, but also in our speech.

As much as I know better, I do use the name of God a bit frivolously at times. It's a bad habit that I developed as a result of being raised in a non-Christian home. I do not blame my family 100%, I know that I alone am responsible for the words that do, and do not come out of my mouth. I can say, though, that since coming back to the Lord, I have gotten much better at using His name only in the most appropriate circumstances. This is another area that I pray that I can improve on a little more each day.

Self Analysis...

The last few days have been days of much introspection for me...It started on Saturday morning when I missed choir rehearsal because there was a mix up with mt ride. The person that I thought would be picking me up thought that somebody else was driving me, so she didn't. Once this person realized that there had been a mix up, she came to get me. However, she told me that she would not be able to drive me home.

Now here's where I realized the need for some introspection: When my friend told me that she could not drive me home, but would find someone that could, I immediately shut down the idea. I was immediatley overcome with the feeling that I would be putting someone that I barely know in a very awkward position, despite my friend's attempts to assure me that nobody would feel that way.

Since then, I've been trying to figure out where these feelings come from. I need to figure out why, everytime I'm in a position of requiring actual hands on assistance from somebody, I'm immediatley overcome with a sense of anxiety and the desire to just disappear.

I really need to get past this (at least somewhat)....and fast. I received an e-mail from the pastor involved with the choir for the Christmas production last night, and he told me that the only way I'll be able to get onto the platform with my regular (power) wheelchair is if a group of people physically lift it up there because there won't be a ramp. As soon as I read this, I was terrified. What if someone gets hurt? What if they try to lift the chair but can't (it is probably close to 300lbs in weight)? Will I be left with no choice but to pull out of the production? Should I pull out? If I did, then things would be a whole lot less complicated for everyone else.

Those are just some of the questions that have been running through my head over the last few days...

-Ashleigh

P.S. For those of you interested in the "Putting the Word to Work" questions, I'll try to have 3 more up either later on tonight or sometime tomorrow.

Just one of those days...

Most days I don't question why God created me with special needs. Usually, when other people ask me if I would rather be "normal", my answer would be no....but not today.

This morning has really made me question why God chose to create me this way, AND give me such a love for singing. I missed choir rehearsal this morning because there was a mix up with the person that was supposed to give me a ride. Now normally I don't need a ride (I just go on my own in my chair, or take the city bus), but now that we're using the stage in the main sanctuary rather than the meeting room downstairs, I need to use my manual wheelchair for the time being. Why? Well, it seems that, for some unknown reason, the removable ramp that once allowed me access to the platform/stage, has been destroyed. So, in the meantime, I need to use my manual chair so that I can be lifted on and off.

I have never felt right about having to do that. There's just something about enlisting the help of people I really don't know very well (although they are all very, VERY nice), that makes me feel, well.....like a third wheel. I tried to just shrug it off because it had to be done, but I realized today that this is causing too many people to go too far out of their way and I can't have that. I feel as though I've imposed myself on people an awful lot lately, and that needs to stop. If that means that I can't access the platform for the last few rehearsals (my power chair is FAR too heavy to be lifted up a handful of stairs), then so be it.

I've been told that something will be arranged in time for the actual performances, but honestly....I'm not feeling very hopeful right now.

I guess all I can do is pray, wait and see what happens.


-Ashleigh

P.S. I apologize if this post didn't make sense...I kind of rambled, and I really don't feel like editing myself right now.