Baby steps...

If you think about it, that's what this massive journey we call life is made of. That's all it takes to walk in the will of the Lord. Baby steps. A little wobly and unsure, but still, we move. Sometimes we fall, and even get hurt....But with the help of friends, others who love us, and our ever-loving Saviour, we get up and continue moving.

I've learned this lesson over this past year since returning to GTA. Just keep moving forward if and when God tells me to...afraid or not. Easier said than done right? But still I do my best, at least that's what I thought until earlier tonight (technically, I guess you could say it was yesterday since it's 3:00am), when I was working on an essay for my English class. I was typing away about the role color plays in Batman: The Dark Knight Returns while listening-and singing along to- (yes, I CAN think, type and sing at the same time thank you very much!) a CD my friend lent me when God said "When are you going to ask Pastor Tim about the worship team?"

I know that sounds really random, but it's not really. God's been telling me to ask about it since I returned to GTA last year, but out of fear (of what I'm not sure really), I avoided it. Even when God provided me a huge crater of an opening for me while I was in the Christmas choir, I chose not to. Until tonight. I finally sent the e-mail. I'm not holding my breath for anything though...at least not yet for a couple of reasons:

1) The team is probably pretty well full right now...maybe when the students go home for the summer, I might get considered.

2) I'm not sure I'm good enough. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I suck (although, to find out for sure, I should check with the people who stood within ear shot of me in the choir...HAHAHA!), but the team is REALLY good...I'm talking recorded CD's good.

All that said, I do feel like singing is, and always has been one of the major callings on my life. Over the last year, I've come to the conclusion (with God's help) that there are 3 difinitive calls on my life. The first is teaching. I've been doing this all my life in some respect, I've had to. Generally speaking, people don't really know what to do with me when they first meet me. Take my experience at GTA as an example. As far as I know, I am the only active member of the congregation with a pronounced physical disability. I'm not content to just attend services every week (although I try to as much as I can). I have to DO things. So since there really is no precident for someone like me at GTA, I along with those I come into contact with, am charting new territory. Everything from helping to make sure the new biulding we move into in a couple of years is as completely accessible as possible, making sure the ramp to the basement is shovelled, to finding another way to get on to the platform until a new ramp can be made, or teaching a few trusted people how to transfer me safely into a car or lift me up a flight of stairs. There are some people who would be frustrated by having to do all of these things. I know this because I used to be one of them. I mistakenly just expected that every necessary arrangement would be made for me, without me having to say a word. WRONG. It's not second nature for most people to do this, so if I want to be involved, it's my RESPONSIBILITY to teach what needs to be taught. If I do it right, maybe the next person with a disability who has a heart to be active in the church won't have to work as hard.

Vocationally though, I feel called to teach children with learning and behavioural disabilities, either as an Educational Assistant or a fully certified Special Education teacher.

The second calling I have felt since I was very young, even if it is years away. I know in my heart that I am called to be a wife and a mother someday. This might sound a little weird, but I feel like God wants me to journal about my child bearing experience when it happens, so that the stigma that people with disabilities either can't or shouldn't have children can be minimized at least. Again, it goes back to the teaching thing. People tend to run from things they know little or nothing about. Once people see that it's been done, and done safely, maybe things will change. This one is a LONG time off, but it's there nonetheless.

The third one, as I mentioned above, is singing. Despite being told to just give it up, and that I was not good enough to really do anything with it (this is just my family, I won't mention the things that people who DON'T love me have said), I can't seem to stop...and believe me, I've tried. I just can't figure out yet how God wants me to use this particular gift. I will say this though....Before I came to the Lord, I used the stage as a way to hide. I could hide behind the character (if I was acting) or the song. I felt like if someone judged me I could say it was a character. When I was up there singing, for one I didn't care about being stared at...I actually liked it. Though I still love the rush ofa live crowd, the feeling of singing on the platform at church over Christmas was different. At the end of the show when we led the audience in a praise song, I felt somthing I'd never felt before. I still can't describe it. There's nothing like looking out and watching people be taken to a place of complete joy in the Lord. Helping people get to that place is incredible...

Maybe one day soon, I'll get to look out from the platform and see my parents in that place...