Broken....

That's about the only word I can use to describe how I'm feeling right now. Stop. I know what most of you are probably thinking and chances are it sounds very much like this or this (courtesy of Jamie A. Grant's blog). Was I close? Under most circumstances I would wholeheartedly support what Jamie has to say, he's a smart guy (smarter than I would ever admit to his face--trust me his ego doesn't need the boost--hah!) and that's why I consider myself so blessed to have him around---I learn from him. However, today I can't do that, not because I don't agree with the theory behind it, but because at the moment I can't hear much over the overwhelming sound of my dreams crashing down around me.

Now, before you call me a drama-queen...let me explain how I got to this point. For the last couple of weeks, I have been hoping to be hired for a job that was beyond perfect for me. The job was only scheduled to last 7 weeks, thus giving me enough money to pay for some hefty school fees, and some weird tax thing that I have to pay off (I won't even get into how much that confuses me), but it would end in time for me to have the last 2 weeks of August to myself, so that I could head back to see my doctor (necessary only because the pain clinic that was supposed to give me some answers keeps jerking me around), family and friends that I haven't seen since Christmas. That is standard procedure for my summers, but what I was really looking forward to, and I mean really looking forward to was heading to New York City at the end of August to see RENT. I know, not a huge deal, right? WRONG! See, two of the shows original cast members (Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp--who can also be seen in the movie version) are returning to their roles for a six-week run after a 10+ year absence. As someone who only discovered this show after catching the movie last September (totally by chance), seeing these who back in the roles they created in person was something I never thought I would ever get to see.

To really drive home how much this trip to NYC would have meant to me, I'll have to back up for a minute and give y'all a very quick history lesson about my life: For as long as I can remember, I have loved performing. How the bug got me, I have no clue, seeing as no one in my family has ever had anything close to a desire for the spotlight. At any rate, I started by doing school plays and choirs round about the second or third grade, but it wasn't until I was 14 that I first discovered musical theatre. I'll never forget how it started: I spotted a flyer for an information night in regards to casting for a production of Jesus Christ: Superstar...Naturally, I raced home and begged my mother to take me to this information session, and thankfully for me, she agreed, however begrudgingly. Seriously, she did not want me to go AT ALL...she was convinced that I was wasting my time since, as she put it, they would never give me a part. I knew why she was saying that, but I just rolled my eyes, told her she was being pessimistic. When we arrived, we discovered that this production was being put on by a program called Theatre OutReach On Stage (commonly referred to as TOROS), a summer school drama program that gives high school aged kids the opportunity to earn credits towards graduation (arts related), but the program as a whole was and is open to anyone between the ages of 14-25. I was taken by it immediately...Particularly when I found out that no one would be cut...Auditions were, and are, only necessary if you wanted to be anything other than a chorus member (bottom rung/group basically only used for big numbers). I signed up that night, though I never received any credits because I left for two weeks every year to go to camp. So off and on for the last 10 years, that was how I spent my summers. I was there faithfully at every rehearsal. However, after a few years I started to notice that, even when I did audition, I was never allowed to finish my piece (when everyone else was), and I was never blocked along with everyone else. I was given one spot (stage left-right in front of the risers) every year and that's where I stayed, even during the curtain call when everyone else got to step to the front of the stage for final bows.

I stuck it out despite the obvious discrimination, because I love the stage...that is until the summer of 2005 (Beauty and the Beast), when the director thought it would be a good idea to literally put a box, well 2 actually...there were two separate "costumes), and call me a "stove" and "the invention" (the one that Belle's father creates and the beginning of the show). It wasn't that bad until I overheard the Assistant Director laughing with the producer about how at the performance the night before, some people in the audience thought that I was just a contraption being run from the sound booth. At that, I decided that I had had enough of busting my behind to perfect countless harmony lines and choreographed dance routines (to the best of my ability-despite knowing full well that I looked ridiculous) for 7 weeks and getting nothing in return.

Now, how does all of that tie into New York and RENT?? Well, the plan was (and still is if a miracle happens) that I was going to go with my friend Matt, whom I had met through TOROS (crazy talented-he'll be a star) since he thinks it would be fun to turn our experience into a documentary. He's even writing a letter to try and not only get us backstage to meet the actors, but maybe even ON TO the stage-sorry my eyes glazed over for a minute there--heh). Matt thought this would be a good idea because I have been telling him about this loft dream I have to start my own theatre company someday that is fully inclusive--meaning that both able-bodied and disabled actors will be equally considered for roles. If this were to ever happen, I would like RENT to be the first show that we put on, simply because I can't think of a show that better encompasses the purpose of my company than this show...No matter what your circumstances...AIDS, drugs, or disability, everyone needs a place where they can go, or someone they can go to where they are able to really come alive. It's a loft dream, I know....but I'm not stupid. I know that in order for our production to succeed, we'll need someone who's name is synonymous with RENT (Adam Pascal or Anthony Rapp), to put butts in the seats so-to-speak. It's a business after all, and if the audience doesn't see at least one name they recognize, there is a good chance, the show won't do well...particularly since some of my actors, likely myself included at first, until interest picks up, will have some form of a physical disability. I've thought a lot about how this could be done...I've done a lot of research, watching both the Broadway production (sshhhh...bootleg), and the movie to see where someone with a disability could fit well without having to completely loose the vision the late Jonathan Larson came up with back in 1994.

If this is successful, my hope is that it will prevent someone else from being treated the way that I was treated when all I wanted to do was be given the same chance as everyone else.

Unfortunately....I'm not sure any of that can happen now....We were needing to go at the end of August, and unless a miracle happens...I just can't make that happen.


That'll teach me for having a dream...