Fear...
This week has been a week full of learning to say the least. There were some amazing moments (actually quite a few, which I will talk about in my next post), but there were also some moments in there where I acted, or reacted badly to some things that I feel terrible about. Not to make excuses for myself, because there are none, but after a few days of thinking things over, the only reason that I can come up with in an attempt to figure out why I keep reacting this way, is that I am just plain terrified. Terrified of what, I’m not sure. Is it change? Maybe…I don’t adjust well to change, but I can accept it. For instance, at cell group last night we came to the collective decision that we will stop meeting as an “official cell group” at the end of June. I’m okay with that…sort of. The thing that makes me apprehensive about this coming to a close might be the thing that I’m so afraid of….
This year, for the first time in my life, I really feel like I’ve started living. Before then, I think I was just putting on a face for the rest of the world, just existing. I’m scared to death that if too much changes I’ll end up losing the connections I’ve made this year, because cell group ended or for other reasons. I hate admitting this because it sounds like I don’t trust the people around me to still be there regardless…and that’s not true. I’ve been told repeatedly that nothing will change on a relational level as far as friendships, and I’m trying with everything I have to believe it (which is why I don’t ever really talk in detail about any of this…I don’t want the people around me, who are some of the greatest blessings I have ever received, to think that their word means nothing), but for some reason, there is still that knot in my stomach reminding me that there’s a chance it could all go away, despite the best of intentions, as many other experiences have taught me.
I’m starting to think that a lot of this might have to do with the fact that a lot of my friends seem to know with unbelievable confidence in who they are, what their gifts and talents are, and what they’re supposed to do with their lives. Last Sunday in church we were asked to list the one thing we liked best about ourselves, and I immediately burst into tears—actually I was teary all through the message—because I couldn’t answer any of the questions positively. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be…I guess I’m afraid to be left behind. I’m sure none of this makes much sense, but it’s the best I can off as far as a look into my thought processes this week.
I want to make this clear to all of you who I am proud to call my friends, I trust you and care about you more than you probably realize, and these fears are not founded in anything that any of you have done. These are fears that I have struggled with for years (I thought they had been dealt with until a few days ago), and I am continually seeking God and working to let go of all of this, because, not only does it hurt me, but it is unbelievably unfair to those of you who have been, and continue to be such an amazing source of light, love, laughter and support in my life.
This year, for the first time in my life, I really feel like I’ve started living. Before then, I think I was just putting on a face for the rest of the world, just existing. I’m scared to death that if too much changes I’ll end up losing the connections I’ve made this year, because cell group ended or for other reasons. I hate admitting this because it sounds like I don’t trust the people around me to still be there regardless…and that’s not true. I’ve been told repeatedly that nothing will change on a relational level as far as friendships, and I’m trying with everything I have to believe it (which is why I don’t ever really talk in detail about any of this…I don’t want the people around me, who are some of the greatest blessings I have ever received, to think that their word means nothing), but for some reason, there is still that knot in my stomach reminding me that there’s a chance it could all go away, despite the best of intentions, as many other experiences have taught me.
I’m starting to think that a lot of this might have to do with the fact that a lot of my friends seem to know with unbelievable confidence in who they are, what their gifts and talents are, and what they’re supposed to do with their lives. Last Sunday in church we were asked to list the one thing we liked best about ourselves, and I immediately burst into tears—actually I was teary all through the message—because I couldn’t answer any of the questions positively. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be…I guess I’m afraid to be left behind. I’m sure none of this makes much sense, but it’s the best I can off as far as a look into my thought processes this week.
I want to make this clear to all of you who I am proud to call my friends, I trust you and care about you more than you probably realize, and these fears are not founded in anything that any of you have done. These are fears that I have struggled with for years (I thought they had been dealt with until a few days ago), and I am continually seeking God and working to let go of all of this, because, not only does it hurt me, but it is unbelievably unfair to those of you who have been, and continue to be such an amazing source of light, love, laughter and support in my life.
posted by Ashleigh @ 6:04 AM
1 Comments:
At Sunday, June 3, 2007 at 6:56:00 PM EDT,
Jamie A. Grant said…
Questions of identity, eh? Yep, that's a big one. As for me, I never even figured out that my two main passions/callings are worship and discipleship until I was 22 or so. And that's regardless of the fact that I have been in church my whole life and I've been a Christian since I was a young 'un.
It's not a minor thing and it does take a lot of time. Discovering new talents and gifts, new passions, new desires...such is the beauty of life. And I don't think that this process of discovery actually stops at any point.
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