Introspection...

Over the last couple of weeks at church, we have talked about God's blessings in our lives and what we do with them. Blessings like finances, time, talents, relationships, etc. One question that was raised has been churning in my brain ever since..."What would you want said about you at your funeral?"

I don't know what I want said about me specifically, but this question has made me take a serious look at the kind of person I am, and I've come to the conclusion that I need to make some changes, particularly in the way I choose to interact with those around me. I'm not saying that I treat those around me badly necessarily, but I could do a lot better.

In terms of friendships, I don't have that many. The "why" behind this bothered me until someone said to me that the only real way for me to find good friend "connections" so-to-speak, is to take that first step and BE that friend to someone else. That's hard for me, and I'm not sure why. I've realized now, though, that it doesn't matter how hard it is, I need to start trying to be a blessing to someone else.

I've also felt recently, that the friendships I have are very much one-sided. It seems like I've been leaning on others a lot lately (I lean on God too, not just people), not giving my friends the opportunity to lean on me. Maybe they've, in some respect, chosen not to because they either can't trust me for whatever reason, or because they just don't feel like I can handle it. I could be WAY off in this (that's probably very likely), but it's just the way I've begun to feel lately.

There is one thing I've wanted to do for a long time, but I've not been successful at up to this point...I really need to learn how NOT to be so sarcastic all the time. There are times where it's warranted, but more often than not, I say things that are inappropriate, or end up being misinterpreted. I started using it as a defense mechanism in high school, after spending 3 years playing the doormat for my classmates in middle school. I needed it then, justto stand up for myself, but now that it's no longer a necessity in my daily life, I don't know how to stop it. Because of this, I'm sure there are times where I have come off as obnoxious or attention-seeking, which is definitely not who I am. Along that same line, I really need to not talk so much. I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to be a good friend to someone if you're babbling all the time.

I'm not trying to sound like I'm being self-loathing, because I'm not. These are just a few things that, if I can improve on them even a little bit, I can be a better friend to the friends I have now, and to the friends God will lead me to in the future.

What do I want said about me at my funeral? I'd like to be remembered as someone who blessed the lives of those around me, even if it's in just a really small way. I guess I just want to make a difference somehow...