House of Cards

Pull away one or two cards and the whole thing implodes....This may be a slightly over-dramatized metaphore, but for the most part I feel it accurately depicts where my head is. These last couple of months have really damaged my heart, granted most of the damage could have been avoided had I been a lot more careful with it. That damage will heal in time with God's help...that much I know. That said, I've been feeling very guilty recently that perhaps I haven't been the greatest friend to some very important people in my life. Yes, I've been a little more quiet recently than most who know me are used to, but as I've explained to a few personally, it's not because I don't share in their joy (some are engaged, some are beginning new jobs...those are just a few of the many changes occuring), I really am thrilled for each of them. It's just been much more difficult than I had anticipated for me to get past my own pain (I know it's selfish....hence the guilt).

What hurts the most to me is the fact that some people assume they know why I'm hurting, when in reality, the truth is much more pathetic....so much so that I really don't want to admit it (particularly since it'll just sound like I'm repeating this post). The truth is, I've pretty much been in an emotional downward spiral since I barely finished school last year, and the loss of this trip basically just made things worse (I told you it was pathetic). It wasn't so much the loss of seeing the show that hurts so much, I can see that without going to NYC (bootleg,YouTube,etc)....it's the loss of what I had hoped would be an opportunity to plant the seed of a dream of mine that I've had for years in the ear of someone who's already there....Seeing broadway opened up to people with physical disabilities by either opening up my own fully inclusive theatre company. Is it a loooong shot....Sure. But think about it, when Dr. Martin Luthar King said "I have a dream...." it was a long shot, but it happened. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't planning on going to the Nederlander theatre and asking Adam Pascal (fangirly sidenote: 11 years later and Roger Davis is still yummy....would give kidney to be Tamyra Gray....okay I'm done...heh) or Anthony Rapp to march up to the producers and demand that they let me play Mimi Marquez (but if that did happen...who am I to say no...LOL). I have no idea how I would have accomplished this or anything at all for that matter, but at the very least I could have seen up close (relatively) what the RENT set looked like (it's really hard to see much with bootlegs).

I know...to most people, it doesn't sound like I lost out on much, but I genuinely feel like I've lost out on the best opportunity I have ever had to realize this dream. See...I know that in order for my company to succeed, we need butts in seats...and realistically...not many people will show up unless there is a name on the bill that they automatically associate with the show (Adam, Anthony). One of my friends was going to write to someone and try to arrange a pow-wow of sorts....et voila...seed planted.

That probably made no sense to any of you, other than to confirm that I am utterly ridiculous and have no life to speak of, but it's the truth.

With that, I shall leave you to write your "this was not your only opportunity" comments (my head knows that, but my heart doesn't feel it just now) as it is late and I have a doctor's appointment in 11 hours.