Frustration....

That's what I'm feeling right now. Not because someone wronged me...No, I'm frustrated by something that I have absolutely no control over. I've always had an issue with startling over the slightest loud noise. It's part of my disability, I really can't do much about it, and for the most part, I've kept it hidden from most of the people who know me. At least I did until recently. It's gotten worse since the "King of Heaven" production started at church last weekend. It seems that, no matter what I do, I can't seem to get this under control.

I've always been rather self conscious about this (it comes from members of my family making jokes about it at my expense), but I've learned to live with it. It just bothers me to know that people are noticing. Don't get me wrong, nobody has said anything even remotely offensive to me about it, it's just something that's always frustrated me because I know exactly when it will happen, but I'm powerless to stop it the majority of the time. For the most part, I make jokes about it with people ( I learned to laugh at myself at a very young age) and I like that. It puts others at ease. I tend to only feel this way when it has an impact on my performances, which is what's been happening lately. I mean, I still sing to the best of my ability every time I'm up there (after all, it's not about me, it's about Him), but there is a part of me that dreads it throughout the whole performance.

I've been asked numerous times whether or not I would give up my disability if it were ever possible, and I always say no. I still say no, but I would, however, "jump" at the chance to be less spastic! Okay, that beyond corny, even by my standards...HAHAHAHA!

-Ashleigh