Resentment, Reliability, and Renewal

As I mentioned previously, I am visiting with my family over the holidays, and I have to be honest...anyone that spent much time with me in the days leading up to my leaving town, knows that I was not looking forward to this trip. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but my relationship with my younger sister has just seemed to progressively deteriorate over the last 5 years to the point where she has actually acted out in violence toward me in the recent past. Mostly though, she just attacks me with her words. I had hoped that this trip would be different that my last, but if last night is any indication of what the rest of my stay will be like, I will be headed back to London right after Boxing Day.

I won't go into the details here about what went on, except to say that she became enraged with me to the point where she was screaming at me and calling me every cuss word she could think of. When she gets that way, I start to worry that she might, again, lash out physically. It's really caused me to question why she seems to be so hostile towards me when nobody else in my life has ever responded to me this way. Is it the result of years of pent up resentment because I received more attention when we were younger because of my disability? And if it is, is there anything that I can do to fix the situation? I've tried talking to her, but she always refuses. I hate feeling like this could all be fixed so easily if I just stayed away...

At least when things are rough here, I know that there is at least one person that I can confide in that won't tell me I'm over-dramaticizing, but at the same time is very quick to remind me not to forget Whose I am. She's ALWAYS there....I wonder sometimes if I tell her enough how vitally important she is to me. For the first time im my life, someone truly understands me.

Please don't miss understand, I love my family and things aren't always heated and stressful around here. I think I may just be noticng it more because I'm only here twice a year. It also has a lot to do with the fact that God has done a mighty work in my heart since I joined GTA 10 or so months ago (I don't remember the date specifically, but it was early February sometime). The people there have truly made me feel like one of the family, and I thank God for them every chance I get. It's given me exactly what I needed when I needed it. I still have a LOT of growing to do, but I've come a long way.

As of today, there are 9 days left in 2006. A new year is a chance for renewal. Hopefully, if I take the advice of a friend and really monitor my words and, mopre importantly, my actions aound my family, the new year could mean the renewal of relationships all around.