Choose life....

Fear is an instinct....Faith is a CHOICE...

I got that word at about 3:00am as I was studying for the last of my finals (which I leave for in about 10 minutes) today. The truth of took me aback at first. Think about it...what is your gut reaction when things go horribly wrong? If you're like me, it's probably fear...whether it's there for 3 seconds or 3 hours, it's there. Does that mean we lack faith or trust in God to see us through? No. It just means that in that moment, we have forgotten that faith is a CHOICE. I can't speak for anyone but me, and maybe this is because I am still new at this whole life-in-God's-hands thing, when I receive a blow to my expectations, hopes or dreams (or all 3), I lack the ability to make that choice initially. I have to consiously stop what I'm doing/thinking and hand the situation over to God.

It's not instinctual for me....yet

Hungry...

As I was reading my friend Jamie's most recent blog entry a couple of days ago on the subject of baptisms (specifically baptism in the Holy Spirit), I came to the conclusion that perhaps that (or not having that, in my case) might be why I'm never really satisfied when seeking after the Lord...It's like I can never get close enough...I'm never filled up, I'm always left hungry. Now I'm not saying that all of this is because I have yet to receive this particular baptism. I'm not perfect, and yes...there are probably many things that I could be doing differently to get closer to what I'm so desperately seeking, but I'm not, and that needs to change.

I've started to feel lately, that I'm missing a piece to a puzzle that everyone else has long since finished...It's frustrating...

I have more thoughts on this, but I haven't quite figured out how to unravel them yet...

For now, I'll just quote something Jamie posted a while back on the subject of Freedom...which I guess, in a sense, is what I'm looking for...Freedom to be able to know my Saviour like never before...

Freedom. It's coming. It's available to each of us. It's that distant sound, that faint rumble of thunder. There is a cleansing rain approaching, that water of life that is getting ready to fall.

Freedom is coming.

Hallelujah!

Drowning...

I feel like I'm drowning. I've haven't felt this completely overwhelmed in a long time....

School has always been busy, but things have really gotten out of control over the last week and a half or so...I have been in gargantuan amounts of pain lately which left me unable to go to school at all this week, with the exception of one Sociology class on Tuesday, and I even had to leave that class to go take medication. As a result, I am WAY behind in most of my classes. I've e-mailed them and explained my situation (along with a doctor's note that verifies my story), but I'm not sure what can be done with a week or so of regular classes to go before final exams.

I'm not posting this to complain or seek pity, more to just release some pressure in hopes that I'll be able to focus on what I have to do. What I would appreciate, though, is prayer. I'm terrified that this situation may cause serious problems with my final grades, and my ability to continue on to my next program in September.

I'm struggling with a lot of guilt over this as well...Should I have gone to school anyway despite the pain, even though there was no way I could have focused properly? I'm feeling extremely attacked right now...What is it that God has planned for me that Satan wants so much to keep me from?

Despite all of this, I can say from the bottom of my heart that if it weren't for my friends being around me and supporting me through this mess (either by just listening to me rant on the phone, or reading massive ranting e-mails, or getting me out of the house to divert my focus for a few hours), I would be curled up in the fetal position right now.

It's funny how God works isn't it? When it seems like your world is falling in around you...He brings people in to surround you and keep the walls from crushing your spirit.

I'm so thankful for each of them...Someday, I'll figure out a way to return the favor.

Just wait...

Two words that I have never liked to hear...I like to joke sometimes and say that since I was born 3 and a half months early, the ability to wait never got encoded onto my DNA.

Unfortunately, that's the message that I've been getting from the Holy Spirit for a while now...Just wait. I'm trying...Trying to be patient and allow God to fulfill words that He has given to me in His own time. The hardest thing for me to deal with is not the fear that perhaps I have heard God wrong or not at all (although that does cross my mind from time to time, especially lately, but more this unshakable feeling of restlessness that says "I don't have time to wait...I need to do this now before I miss my chance."

Where does this come from? Lack of trust in God? Fear that my dreams are not in God's perfect plan for my life? And if that's the case, why are some dreams so deeply ingrained on my heart? Some, I feel, are somehow inate....like these particular dreams have been there so long, I don't recall them being birthed in me. Or maybe it comes from looking around me and seeing everyone else achieving their goals and discovering their purposes, while I, once again, watch from the sidelines. I feel a bit left behind I guess.

I know in my heart that this is just God preparing me for something much bigger than I could even fathom, but despite knowing that and trusting that my Creator knows what He's doing...I'm still restless...the same questions continue to plague me...

Will I ever get there? When will I finally be able to say "I know why I was created."?

Free...

For a long time now, I have had quite a bit of bitterness in my heart towards my family...Not because they've done anything wrong to me recently, it has more to do with years of stifled pain that I've never really allowed myself to feel (I refured to admit that they had hurt me) turning into bitterness and anger. I'm not sure how it happened or why, but I feel as though I've been freed from all of that. It's as though God just opened up my hands and all of those feelings of hurt, bitterness and disappointment have fallen away like water through my fingertips...

Having said that, I really feel like I need to stay here this summer rather than go spend the summer with them. I love them, and I want to see them, but for now...I need to be here. I have friends and commitments here that I can't turn my back on. Plus past experience has taught me that every time I go there, I end up reverting back to old behaviors...I can't do that anymore. I feel like I need to stay here until I'm strong enough in my walk with Christ that I won't do that again, no matter what happens.

I know this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but for me this is huge. For a long time I've felt like something was holding me back from really connecting to God, particularly in my worship time...Maybe that's what it was. I mean how could I give my whole heart to Christ if part of it was taken over by bitterness and anger?

I'm free...

My prayer for you is that if there is something that you need freedom from, that you will receive it, fully, in Jesus' name..

Independence and Ability Levels...

Here are some questions in regards to the independence and ability levels of people with disabilities. Again, these are questions with highly subjective answers, but I'll do my best. This first question will be answered in two parts:

Ash - you are so independent. You live on your own, go to school, etc. What did your parents do that helped you be able to become independent?

My parents have never really treated me as though I have a disability. For as long as I can remember, my parents have pushed me to do things for myself...even if that meant spending hours trying umpteen different things, until I finally figured out how to do something for myself. For example, when I was first learning to dress myself at around age 7 or 8, I can remember my mother waking me up extra early on a school morning so I could do it myself. And eventually I got better and faster at it. The only thing I couldn't do for the longest time (no matter what I tried) was put my own shoes on...It was very difficult for me to get them on over my braces. So for years I would have to put everything else on and then call in one of my parents to help me with my shoes. I finally figured out how to do this for myself around the age of 12 or 13.

In regards to special treatment, there wasn't any...at least not at home. My mother often tells this story to people who ask her about my level of independence. When I was about 3, attended a special daycare at our local YMCA for children with disabilities (or was it the clinic in Toronto...I don't recall. That part of the story is a bit hazy). Because I was young and supposedly quite adorable (as most 3-4 year- olds are), I apparently had much of the staff there appealing to my every whim, no manners or politeness required (as I was 3, cute, and not to mention "special", so why should I say "please" or "thank you"?). I can't remember if a staff member eventually brought this to my mother's attention or not, that part of the story is a bit hazy too. At any rate, one day I had apparently tried to use this technique with my mother. I said something to the effect of "Get me a cookie" and my mother responded with the typical "What do you say?" But instead of saying please as I was supposed to, I said "Get me a cookie NOW!" That did NOT go over well with Mama. She proceeded to pick me up out of my chair, and put me to bed for the rest of the afternoon. I had to stay there until dinner. Tell me if that 3 year old is any different than every other demanding 3 year old on the planet...I wasn't...and I was dealt with accordingly.

Would you do the same for your child (with or without a disability)?

Absolutely. I am as independent as I am today because my of the way my parents handled me. Were there times that I hated them for making me spend hours and hours (most of this time spent crying and screaming in frustration and even pain at times) learning how to do for myself? Of course. And I'm sure it would have been MUCH easier and faster for my parents just to do things for me, but they understood very early on that doing everything for me might seem easier (and even smarter sometimes) in the moment, but that, in the end, it would be me who suffered the consequences. Though I have never been really close with my family, I am grateful that they allowed themselves to hurt in that moment, so that I would be better of later in life. So, in answer to your question...I absolutely plan on teaching my children (disabled or not) to be as independent as possible, as early as possible without compromising their safety. Though there are many things that I plan on doing differently from my parents, that is one aspect that I would like to carry on. I can't tell you the number of people with disabilities that I have seen who are adults and are still unable to complete even the simplest of tasks...Their inability to do these things has little or nothing to do with the disability itself, but because they grew up with parents that coddled them and treated them as if their disability was a life sentence of dependency, and thus, never bothered to teach their children to do anything for themselves.

The sad part is...I look at these people and I can see their potential...But after so many years of being coddled to, they have literally lost any desire for an independent life. Parents need to realize that, regardless of how much it hurts to watch your child struggle in that moment, these children NEED to struggle in order to develop any kind of self-confidence or self worth. If that does not happen, these children are robbed of their opportunity to reach their God-given potential.


Next...

What is the percentage of people with your type of disability who share your same level of ability (intellect, speech, physical, etc..)?

Honestly, I'm not sure if an actual number exists to answer this question. In my experience, ability level is very much dependent upon the circumstances surrounding the birth process (when the child is born, IE 24 or 26 weeks etc, amount of time the baby's brain has been without oxygen after birth) any setbacks that occur in the hospital (brain bleeds, infections, etc...) Cerebral Palsy, as I understand it, is defined as a developmental disability, not a physical disability. Of course, this does not mean that all people with CP are intellectually delayed, which is an entirely too common misconception. All it really means is that Cerebral Palsy occurs as a result of brain damage, occurring either at during the delivery process (I believe this is what happened in my case. I plan on asking my mother to talk to me in depth about that at some point), or some point shortly afterwards due to deprivation of oxygen to certain areas of the brain. The severity of the disability depends largely on where in the brain the damage has occurred, and how much damage is present. That is why some people with CP are extremely high functioning, so much so in some cases that it can be hard to detect aside from a few small factors (IE. slight limp, turned in feet) or extremely low functioning (inability to speak--this does not mean the person cannot communicate--, inability to use one or both arms, uses wheelchair, feeding tube, etc). As is the case with all disabilities, many people with CP will fall somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. Take me for example, I am almost completely independent (few exceptions remain largely due to my environment), I attend regular classes in college (full course load), I am active on my church's music team as a singer. However, I require the use of a wheelchair for mobility (though I can stand with assistance), leg braces (can't stand without them...I've tried it...not pretty...HA HA!), I tend to slur my speech when I get over-excited, and in uncomfortable situations, I tend to lose about 75% of the volume in my voice, my balance is pretty much non existent outside of my wheelchair (with a few exceptions)...and I'm spastic...very spastic. This is probably the one thing about my disability that I am the most aware and sensitive of. This is the one thing that, if I could, I would change it in a heartbeat. I basically can't do anything with my hands without my feet kicking straight out in front of me. It makes doing anything awkward and even embarrassing, but I do the best I can to ignore it, hoping others will follow my lead.

Those things aside I'm pretty "normal". I use quotes here because I really don't think "normal" is a concrete notion. In order for something to be concrete, it has to have a specific definition, and no one that I've ever met can truly define it. Therefore, as far as I'm concerned, there is no such thing as "normal". It doesn't exist.

Of course, if you were to ask my friends, they would be quick to tell you that if "normal" did exist, I am far from it...and trust me...that has absolutely NOTHING to do with my disability!