Stripped....

Lately, I've felt as though God has slowly been stripping me of everything I thought I knew...

I've got 3 weeks to make up over 100 hours of field experience, or I can't go on to my career program in the fall. I had to leave my original placement due to serious problems with transportation. Since I left there, I have been waiting for my field placement coordinator to find something new for me, but I can't get a straight answer from her about anything. I'm starting to feel like I'm just being pacified..."I'm doing the best I can to find something new for you, and as soon as I do, you'll hear from me..." I hear this every time I meet with her, and still I have nothing. I'm starting to think that I don't matter...Like, because I have a disability I'll never be taken seriously enough to get hired anyway, so why should they do anything more than the minimum required to keep me quiet?

Meanwhile, it's MY life that's falling apart...I have no placement, and thus no degree, certificate or job, no money, no family, no relationship...just an overwhelming sense of loneliness What really bothers me is that I KNOW I heard from God about going down this path (I did doubt initially, but after searching my heart I felt I truly had), what I don't understand is where I went wrong...Like I said, I KNOW God told me that this was my path, so the only logical explanation for the situation I find myself in now is that I screwed up somewhere. Of course, the other explanation is that, despite my confidence, I really didn't hear from God...This brings up the question...Have I ever truly heard Him? I never usually admit this in public, but I feel like I've failed...again. Why does everything I touch seem to eventually turn to rubble?

I'm scared...I have no clue where to go from here...I have no options...nothing. What hurts the most is that I thought that I had finally found something that I was good at, that made me think that, disability or not, I really could have a positive impact on someones life. I've lost my sense of purpose.

I'm singing in the church services this weekend. At least there I can hide behind the music...Get away from the intense fear and hopelessness...for a little while anyway.

All I've ever wanted is to be taken seriously...to prove that my disability is nothing more than a circumstance...That dream seems a bit too lofty at this point.

A friend asked me a question a few days ago: If given the chance, would you want to be healed of your disability? I said no. But that was before I realized that my mother had right when she told me that it probably wouldn't matter how good I am at something...I'll probably never be given the opportunity to do it because of my disability.

I'm taking my "no" back.