Another question....

Here's another question that my best friend asked of me regarding the way some people treat someone with a disability. I'll admit, this is a difficult question for me to answer...but I did say that NO QUESTION would go unanswered, I'll give this one my best shot. Hopefully, I'll be able to answer this in somewhat of a generalized manner, without allowing emotions to play too big a role.

My daughter gets really angry when people talk to her like she's in preschool because of her disability. Does that end as you get older? If not, how do you handle it?

Unfortunately, no. This doesn't end as you get older. In fact, it'll probably get worse in some respects. While she may not necessarily get too many people speaking to her as if she can't really comprehend much (pre-schooler), she may end up experiencing something that I have experienced personally. In fact, it's been happening to me on a fairly regular basis lately. Here's what I mean: Anytime I have ever had a male friend, there always seems to be someone who will inevitably ask the question, "Is that your boyfriend?" or worse yet, the more presumptuous form of this question: "How's your boyfriend?"...and other various "boyfriend" related comments.

Sure, there may be some people who may actually think that I am in a relationship with someone they see me with a lot, but in my experience, that's rare. Most of the time, it's just someone being "cute", because they know perfectly well that "someone like me would never have a boyfriend" (I've never had those exact words said to me, but something similar). The first couple of times I hear this from people I've corrected them and said "He's just a friend", but if it continues, especially if it's from the same person, I may just laugh it off and try to change the subject, because I know that nothing I say will stop this from happening. Yes, it bothers me to a certain extent every time it happens, but it doesn't REALLY bother me unless my friend happens to be within ear shot (I have had people make these comments when a male friend is around intentionally). In my experience, guys will only hear these things "x" amount of times before they start thinking that maybe I have said something to encourage such comments. This results in one of two quite painful things happening:

1) An awkward conversation takes place where this friend will give me the standard "I'm flattered...but" speech. You know the one..."I'm flattered that you care for me, but I just don't see you that way...". This conversation has always been unnecessary 95% of the time (the other 5% of the time, there may have been feelings there, but let me make clear that I HAVE never, and WOULD never solicit such comments)...Why? Because I always go into friendships with guys, knowing that nothing more will ever develop. I could go into why I know this, but I won't for now...

2) The friendship will end because he doesn't want others getting that kind of idea about us. For me, this is something I fear every time I make a male friend. I don't have many friends to begin with, so I deeply value all of them. As far as I'm concerned, no one (not just the guys) are dispensable), so losing a friend over something like this is extremely painful for me...even though I can clearly see his side every time it happens.

I guess the only over all advice I can give your daughter, is to just be who she is proudly, and to not worry about those who don't speak to her in an age appropriate manner. In my experiences with such people, correcting them is fruitless MOST of the time. Generally, these people are so set in their ideas about people with special needs that nothing anyone says will change it. Eventually, she'll learn to just ignore these people, because she'll be surrounded by people that see HER. You watch...at some point, these people will become something for her and her friends to laugh about, because they'll know how utterly ridiculous such behavior is.


Keep the questions coming...I hope that even though there aren't too many people asking questions right now, that everyone who reads this is at least learning something. I didn't think I would enjoy doing this as much as I am...so the learning curve here is totally inclusive.

One last thing...For those of you who are uncomfortable posting questions in the "comments" section, the option is now available for you to submit your question to me via e-mail. Just click my photo on the right-hand side of the page, then click the "E-mail" link on the left-hand side. Please keep in mind that I will be the only one able to see your name (if you submit via e-mail only...anonymous posts in "comments" do not require any identification). Names will NOT be published.