R.I.P......RENT

I'm devestated.....RENT is officially ending it's 12-year run on Broadway as of June 1.

Let me preface the rest of this blog by saying that if you can't put faces to the actors named throughout this post, I assure you, you are NOT alone....But I won't explain who they are beyond their character names (because the people that really care about this post don't need it really). Google is a big help if you're curious...

I have to be honest, I knew something was up when RENT asked some big names to return a few months back...When Matt Caplan returned in the role of Mark Cohen in September (I think), I wasn't too suspicious, I just figured that he needed a paycheck given the dismal failure of "High Fidelity". However, when Anthony Rapp (Mark Cohen-OBC) and Adam Pascal (Roger Davis-OBC) announced that they were not only returning as well, but returning together, I had a horrible sinking feeling that the higer-ups were attempting to possibly end the show's run with the same chemistry and buzz under which it opened in April of 1993.....But since no such announcement came, I let it go....

I usually enjoy being right....

I discovered RENT in September 2006, when I saw the movie for the first time, so I'm very late to the party to say the least. That said, RENT grabbed me immediately...As soon as I heard those hard driving rock and roll chords, I wondered what rock I'd been under for a decade. (For the record, I've caught up quickly...I've gotten my hands on more than a few bootlegs, and fell in love with the stage version as well....What I wouldn't give to MOOOO) More than it's innovative take on what a musical should sound like, the message at the heart of this simple musical has changed lives....Helping millions of people simply by giving them a workd in which to escape where, for 2 hours, it's okay to be different....In fact, being different is celebrated. I've heard stories of lives being saved just because they finally feel understood, accepted, and even loved after leaving the theatre...Can I say that RENT saved my life? No. But at a time when I felt like the invisible girl in the corner, 4 simple words gave me the push I needed to get my butt in gear....Those words...."No day but today".

As I mourn the loss of my dream of appearing onstage at the Nederlander theatre, and adding my own name to the list of blessed actors and actresses attached to this amazing show, I hold out hope for a revival run at some point. At least there's still the touring cast.....For now.

I've decided to close this blog with the same words that were spoken from the audience at the end of the final night of rehearsal the night before opening on Broadway....The day the man responsible for the last 12 years, was found dead in his apartment kitchen of an aeortic aneurism.....


THANK YOU JONATHAN LARSON!!!!

I give up....

I'm convinced that I'll never get my life back on track....at least not the life I had envisioned for myself 2 years ago. My plans to go back to school next week and pick up where I left off in September have been squashed, until September....at least. The way my body's behaving, I'm terrified that I may never be able to get the certification I need to be able to work as an Educational Assistant...The one thing I actually think I'm good at, outside of acting (and let's face it, that'll never happen)

I'm done making plans to get back what I had....It hurts too much watching them fall apart....Call me over-dramatic, pessimistic, depresssed...whatever...I don't care anymore...I really don't.

The Invisible War....

I don't usually do this, but I have decided to devote this blog entry to promoting a newly published novel (his first foray into the world of published authorness) written by my good friend Matthew McLean (or Matty as I know him). I'd like to tell you a bit about the Matt that I know, and I will post links at the end of this post for those who want to learn more about Matt, this book, or hopefully purchase their own copy.

I'd like to tell you when I first met Matt officially, but the truth is, I can't recall exactly....But I do know that we met as a result of being members of T.O.R.O.S.--Theatre OutReach On Stage, a summer school based theatre program out of North Bay Ontario (I've discussed some of my past experiences with this group in previous blog posts). The first thing I remember about Matt would probably be that he was always smiling, no matter what may have happened over the course of his day before rehearsal started. Matt has to me one of the most loving, kind individuals I have ever met. My time with TOROS was an emotional roller coaster to say the least...I loved it, but I was also consistently frustrated by feelings of being shoved into the background. As a result, my self-confidence took repeated beatings...Were they hiding me in the background because of my wheelchair, or was I just not good enough? At times like that, Matt was right there, building be up....He supported my dreams and believed I had a talent worth sharing...even when I didn't. Sometimes he didn't have to say much...his hugs were enough....I'm not talking about those flimsy kind of hugs....No...Matt would run directly at me, full speed ahead (even on a crowded street occasionally), wrap his arms around me and squeeze...Awesome really...

One of my greatest frustrations every summer came when it was time to block the curtain call, (also known as the final bows, for all you non-thespians out there). I was never permitted to step forward and bow at the front of the stage with everyone else....I had to stay in my "spot and wave. Then in 2005, I was FINALLY allowed to fully participate because I had a "special part" the warranted its own bow. I was ecstatic, sure, but Matt was even happier. If I recall correctly, it was him who started the round of applause that followed that announcement...I think I have a good idea how he felt for me that night.


To see this happen for Matt, is truly amazing. It's hasn't been easy for him, the most worthwhile achievements in life never are...I always knew Matt's incredible talent would take him places...He's a star....

Just hope he doesn't forget about me when he makes it to t he big time....hahaha!

If you're interested in learning more about Matt's new book, there are a few places you can go:

The Invisible War--Facebook Group

To order the book:

The Invisible War--Barnes & Noble

The Invisible War--Amazon.com


***Just a quick note: I recommend ordering through Barnes & Noble as the shipping is a bit cheaper (I believe my total was $23 and change) and it allows you to pay with Paypal.

Amazon gives Canadians a bit of a headache in terms of ordering, but it does have the advantage of presenting a more in depth synopsis***

I for one can't wait for my copy!!!!!!!!

I'm done bragging now, I promise....

Need To Be Needed....

Before I get started with this post, I just wanted to extend a heart-felt thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes while I was away. Reading those messages makes me smile, which is not something I've done a whole lot of in recent months. No surgery, or any kind of substantial change, for that matter, has happened yet...I'm doing the best I can to remain faithful that God is never late and will provide me whatever I need to get through this very physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining time, and I firmly believe that the support of all of you is one of the major things that has held me up. Thank you all....You are all amazing blessings.

While I was away, I spent a lot of time alone, so naturally I had a lot of time to think...As I did, I came to an interesting conclusion...I'm not really needed in any fashion....Please don't think that this is some pathetic attempt at self pity, because it's nothing like that. I know I have friends that love me (some have even treated me as if I were a sister or a daughter) and that they all want me around which I am unbelievably thankful for, but it's not the same as being needed.

I've always been the kind of person to take on extra responsibility just because I like knowing that there are others who are depending on me. Take, for instance, my time at camp...My most memorable moments come from the years where I was stuck somewhere between camper and staff. There was no better feeling than knowing that a certain camper responded better to activities when I was around. When I was working in the classroom as an EA, I ate it up when I could get a difficult student to let down that wall, or when a student would run to me and tell me how much they missed me when I had been gone for a few days.

I know this probably sounds selfish in some respects, but its honestly how I'm feeling right now...Maybe it's because I'm feeling slightly left behind right now given that a most of my closest friends are either married, engaged or headed in that direction. I know, I know, my turn's coming, be happy where you are, blah, blah blah....I get it, and in theory I would tend to agree, but it's not as easily done as said....I mean who is more needed that a mother??

This post is probably sounding a little schizophrenic, but this is what happens to a person when they are ripped away from the people and things that you love the most for. as it turns out, no reason at all...

There really is no place like home......

Screwed....

Not the most Christian of terms, I know....but it's really the only word I can think of that aptly describes my situation. I'm barely a week into the school semester (finally in the program that means something), and I'm already wondering if I'm going to be able to continue. Not because I can't handle the workload (I have the lightest timetable of my college career), or because I need surgery (detailed blog to follow as I know that some of you read this as a way of keeping up to date when we can't connect directlly)...I'm screwed because I have absolutely no way of paying for the books I need. I need them by the end of the week or at latest, the early part of next week, or I will fall behind in required reading and subsequent assignments. I have financial aid coming to me, but I won;t see that until the end of September at least, and maybe not even then if I don't find the money to get my Social Insurance Number card replaced.

There's nothing I can do....the good news about that, is that the only way for things to work out is for God to step in and perform a miracle. I don't know about you, but in my experience, God is at His best when we, as simple human beings, have no other option but to lean on Him.

House of Cards

Pull away one or two cards and the whole thing implodes....This may be a slightly over-dramatized metaphore, but for the most part I feel it accurately depicts where my head is. These last couple of months have really damaged my heart, granted most of the damage could have been avoided had I been a lot more careful with it. That damage will heal in time with God's help...that much I know. That said, I've been feeling very guilty recently that perhaps I haven't been the greatest friend to some very important people in my life. Yes, I've been a little more quiet recently than most who know me are used to, but as I've explained to a few personally, it's not because I don't share in their joy (some are engaged, some are beginning new jobs...those are just a few of the many changes occuring), I really am thrilled for each of them. It's just been much more difficult than I had anticipated for me to get past my own pain (I know it's selfish....hence the guilt).

What hurts the most to me is the fact that some people assume they know why I'm hurting, when in reality, the truth is much more pathetic....so much so that I really don't want to admit it (particularly since it'll just sound like I'm repeating this post). The truth is, I've pretty much been in an emotional downward spiral since I barely finished school last year, and the loss of this trip basically just made things worse (I told you it was pathetic). It wasn't so much the loss of seeing the show that hurts so much, I can see that without going to NYC (bootleg,YouTube,etc)....it's the loss of what I had hoped would be an opportunity to plant the seed of a dream of mine that I've had for years in the ear of someone who's already there....Seeing broadway opened up to people with physical disabilities by either opening up my own fully inclusive theatre company. Is it a loooong shot....Sure. But think about it, when Dr. Martin Luthar King said "I have a dream...." it was a long shot, but it happened. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't planning on going to the Nederlander theatre and asking Adam Pascal (fangirly sidenote: 11 years later and Roger Davis is still yummy....would give kidney to be Tamyra Gray....okay I'm done...heh) or Anthony Rapp to march up to the producers and demand that they let me play Mimi Marquez (but if that did happen...who am I to say no...LOL). I have no idea how I would have accomplished this or anything at all for that matter, but at the very least I could have seen up close (relatively) what the RENT set looked like (it's really hard to see much with bootlegs).

I know...to most people, it doesn't sound like I lost out on much, but I genuinely feel like I've lost out on the best opportunity I have ever had to realize this dream. See...I know that in order for my company to succeed, we need butts in seats...and realistically...not many people will show up unless there is a name on the bill that they automatically associate with the show (Adam, Anthony). One of my friends was going to write to someone and try to arrange a pow-wow of sorts....et voila...seed planted.

That probably made no sense to any of you, other than to confirm that I am utterly ridiculous and have no life to speak of, but it's the truth.

With that, I shall leave you to write your "this was not your only opportunity" comments (my head knows that, but my heart doesn't feel it just now) as it is late and I have a doctor's appointment in 11 hours.

Broken....

That's about the only word I can use to describe how I'm feeling right now. Stop. I know what most of you are probably thinking and chances are it sounds very much like this or this (courtesy of Jamie A. Grant's blog). Was I close? Under most circumstances I would wholeheartedly support what Jamie has to say, he's a smart guy (smarter than I would ever admit to his face--trust me his ego doesn't need the boost--hah!) and that's why I consider myself so blessed to have him around---I learn from him. However, today I can't do that, not because I don't agree with the theory behind it, but because at the moment I can't hear much over the overwhelming sound of my dreams crashing down around me.

Now, before you call me a drama-queen...let me explain how I got to this point. For the last couple of weeks, I have been hoping to be hired for a job that was beyond perfect for me. The job was only scheduled to last 7 weeks, thus giving me enough money to pay for some hefty school fees, and some weird tax thing that I have to pay off (I won't even get into how much that confuses me), but it would end in time for me to have the last 2 weeks of August to myself, so that I could head back to see my doctor (necessary only because the pain clinic that was supposed to give me some answers keeps jerking me around), family and friends that I haven't seen since Christmas. That is standard procedure for my summers, but what I was really looking forward to, and I mean really looking forward to was heading to New York City at the end of August to see RENT. I know, not a huge deal, right? WRONG! See, two of the shows original cast members (Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp--who can also be seen in the movie version) are returning to their roles for a six-week run after a 10+ year absence. As someone who only discovered this show after catching the movie last September (totally by chance), seeing these who back in the roles they created in person was something I never thought I would ever get to see.

To really drive home how much this trip to NYC would have meant to me, I'll have to back up for a minute and give y'all a very quick history lesson about my life: For as long as I can remember, I have loved performing. How the bug got me, I have no clue, seeing as no one in my family has ever had anything close to a desire for the spotlight. At any rate, I started by doing school plays and choirs round about the second or third grade, but it wasn't until I was 14 that I first discovered musical theatre. I'll never forget how it started: I spotted a flyer for an information night in regards to casting for a production of Jesus Christ: Superstar...Naturally, I raced home and begged my mother to take me to this information session, and thankfully for me, she agreed, however begrudgingly. Seriously, she did not want me to go AT ALL...she was convinced that I was wasting my time since, as she put it, they would never give me a part. I knew why she was saying that, but I just rolled my eyes, told her she was being pessimistic. When we arrived, we discovered that this production was being put on by a program called Theatre OutReach On Stage (commonly referred to as TOROS), a summer school drama program that gives high school aged kids the opportunity to earn credits towards graduation (arts related), but the program as a whole was and is open to anyone between the ages of 14-25. I was taken by it immediately...Particularly when I found out that no one would be cut...Auditions were, and are, only necessary if you wanted to be anything other than a chorus member (bottom rung/group basically only used for big numbers). I signed up that night, though I never received any credits because I left for two weeks every year to go to camp. So off and on for the last 10 years, that was how I spent my summers. I was there faithfully at every rehearsal. However, after a few years I started to notice that, even when I did audition, I was never allowed to finish my piece (when everyone else was), and I was never blocked along with everyone else. I was given one spot (stage left-right in front of the risers) every year and that's where I stayed, even during the curtain call when everyone else got to step to the front of the stage for final bows.

I stuck it out despite the obvious discrimination, because I love the stage...that is until the summer of 2005 (Beauty and the Beast), when the director thought it would be a good idea to literally put a box, well 2 actually...there were two separate "costumes), and call me a "stove" and "the invention" (the one that Belle's father creates and the beginning of the show). It wasn't that bad until I overheard the Assistant Director laughing with the producer about how at the performance the night before, some people in the audience thought that I was just a contraption being run from the sound booth. At that, I decided that I had had enough of busting my behind to perfect countless harmony lines and choreographed dance routines (to the best of my ability-despite knowing full well that I looked ridiculous) for 7 weeks and getting nothing in return.

Now, how does all of that tie into New York and RENT?? Well, the plan was (and still is if a miracle happens) that I was going to go with my friend Matt, whom I had met through TOROS (crazy talented-he'll be a star) since he thinks it would be fun to turn our experience into a documentary. He's even writing a letter to try and not only get us backstage to meet the actors, but maybe even ON TO the stage-sorry my eyes glazed over for a minute there--heh). Matt thought this would be a good idea because I have been telling him about this loft dream I have to start my own theatre company someday that is fully inclusive--meaning that both able-bodied and disabled actors will be equally considered for roles. If this were to ever happen, I would like RENT to be the first show that we put on, simply because I can't think of a show that better encompasses the purpose of my company than this show...No matter what your circumstances...AIDS, drugs, or disability, everyone needs a place where they can go, or someone they can go to where they are able to really come alive. It's a loft dream, I know....but I'm not stupid. I know that in order for our production to succeed, we'll need someone who's name is synonymous with RENT (Adam Pascal or Anthony Rapp), to put butts in the seats so-to-speak. It's a business after all, and if the audience doesn't see at least one name they recognize, there is a good chance, the show won't do well...particularly since some of my actors, likely myself included at first, until interest picks up, will have some form of a physical disability. I've thought a lot about how this could be done...I've done a lot of research, watching both the Broadway production (sshhhh...bootleg), and the movie to see where someone with a disability could fit well without having to completely loose the vision the late Jonathan Larson came up with back in 1994.

If this is successful, my hope is that it will prevent someone else from being treated the way that I was treated when all I wanted to do was be given the same chance as everyone else.

Unfortunately....I'm not sure any of that can happen now....We were needing to go at the end of August, and unless a miracle happens...I just can't make that happen.


That'll teach me for having a dream...