Broken....

That's about the only word I can use to describe how I'm feeling right now. Stop. I know what most of you are probably thinking and chances are it sounds very much like this or this (courtesy of Jamie A. Grant's blog). Was I close? Under most circumstances I would wholeheartedly support what Jamie has to say, he's a smart guy (smarter than I would ever admit to his face--trust me his ego doesn't need the boost--hah!) and that's why I consider myself so blessed to have him around---I learn from him. However, today I can't do that, not because I don't agree with the theory behind it, but because at the moment I can't hear much over the overwhelming sound of my dreams crashing down around me.

Now, before you call me a drama-queen...let me explain how I got to this point. For the last couple of weeks, I have been hoping to be hired for a job that was beyond perfect for me. The job was only scheduled to last 7 weeks, thus giving me enough money to pay for some hefty school fees, and some weird tax thing that I have to pay off (I won't even get into how much that confuses me), but it would end in time for me to have the last 2 weeks of August to myself, so that I could head back to see my doctor (necessary only because the pain clinic that was supposed to give me some answers keeps jerking me around), family and friends that I haven't seen since Christmas. That is standard procedure for my summers, but what I was really looking forward to, and I mean really looking forward to was heading to New York City at the end of August to see RENT. I know, not a huge deal, right? WRONG! See, two of the shows original cast members (Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp--who can also be seen in the movie version) are returning to their roles for a six-week run after a 10+ year absence. As someone who only discovered this show after catching the movie last September (totally by chance), seeing these who back in the roles they created in person was something I never thought I would ever get to see.

To really drive home how much this trip to NYC would have meant to me, I'll have to back up for a minute and give y'all a very quick history lesson about my life: For as long as I can remember, I have loved performing. How the bug got me, I have no clue, seeing as no one in my family has ever had anything close to a desire for the spotlight. At any rate, I started by doing school plays and choirs round about the second or third grade, but it wasn't until I was 14 that I first discovered musical theatre. I'll never forget how it started: I spotted a flyer for an information night in regards to casting for a production of Jesus Christ: Superstar...Naturally, I raced home and begged my mother to take me to this information session, and thankfully for me, she agreed, however begrudgingly. Seriously, she did not want me to go AT ALL...she was convinced that I was wasting my time since, as she put it, they would never give me a part. I knew why she was saying that, but I just rolled my eyes, told her she was being pessimistic. When we arrived, we discovered that this production was being put on by a program called Theatre OutReach On Stage (commonly referred to as TOROS), a summer school drama program that gives high school aged kids the opportunity to earn credits towards graduation (arts related), but the program as a whole was and is open to anyone between the ages of 14-25. I was taken by it immediately...Particularly when I found out that no one would be cut...Auditions were, and are, only necessary if you wanted to be anything other than a chorus member (bottom rung/group basically only used for big numbers). I signed up that night, though I never received any credits because I left for two weeks every year to go to camp. So off and on for the last 10 years, that was how I spent my summers. I was there faithfully at every rehearsal. However, after a few years I started to notice that, even when I did audition, I was never allowed to finish my piece (when everyone else was), and I was never blocked along with everyone else. I was given one spot (stage left-right in front of the risers) every year and that's where I stayed, even during the curtain call when everyone else got to step to the front of the stage for final bows.

I stuck it out despite the obvious discrimination, because I love the stage...that is until the summer of 2005 (Beauty and the Beast), when the director thought it would be a good idea to literally put a box, well 2 actually...there were two separate "costumes), and call me a "stove" and "the invention" (the one that Belle's father creates and the beginning of the show). It wasn't that bad until I overheard the Assistant Director laughing with the producer about how at the performance the night before, some people in the audience thought that I was just a contraption being run from the sound booth. At that, I decided that I had had enough of busting my behind to perfect countless harmony lines and choreographed dance routines (to the best of my ability-despite knowing full well that I looked ridiculous) for 7 weeks and getting nothing in return.

Now, how does all of that tie into New York and RENT?? Well, the plan was (and still is if a miracle happens) that I was going to go with my friend Matt, whom I had met through TOROS (crazy talented-he'll be a star) since he thinks it would be fun to turn our experience into a documentary. He's even writing a letter to try and not only get us backstage to meet the actors, but maybe even ON TO the stage-sorry my eyes glazed over for a minute there--heh). Matt thought this would be a good idea because I have been telling him about this loft dream I have to start my own theatre company someday that is fully inclusive--meaning that both able-bodied and disabled actors will be equally considered for roles. If this were to ever happen, I would like RENT to be the first show that we put on, simply because I can't think of a show that better encompasses the purpose of my company than this show...No matter what your circumstances...AIDS, drugs, or disability, everyone needs a place where they can go, or someone they can go to where they are able to really come alive. It's a loft dream, I know....but I'm not stupid. I know that in order for our production to succeed, we'll need someone who's name is synonymous with RENT (Adam Pascal or Anthony Rapp), to put butts in the seats so-to-speak. It's a business after all, and if the audience doesn't see at least one name they recognize, there is a good chance, the show won't do well...particularly since some of my actors, likely myself included at first, until interest picks up, will have some form of a physical disability. I've thought a lot about how this could be done...I've done a lot of research, watching both the Broadway production (sshhhh...bootleg), and the movie to see where someone with a disability could fit well without having to completely loose the vision the late Jonathan Larson came up with back in 1994.

If this is successful, my hope is that it will prevent someone else from being treated the way that I was treated when all I wanted to do was be given the same chance as everyone else.

Unfortunately....I'm not sure any of that can happen now....We were needing to go at the end of August, and unless a miracle happens...I just can't make that happen.


That'll teach me for having a dream...

On the Sidelines...

I've thought long and hard about whether or not I should post this blog since it's such a sensitive subject for me, but I've decided to give it my best shot.

Lately, I've been unable to shake the feeling that I'm doing nothing but sit on the sidelines watching while most of my friends are moving forward in their lives, dating, getting married, and some even have children. I do the best I can to hide the pain that I feel when talk turns to those subjects because I love them and want them to have whatever blessings come their way. Unfortunately, being happy for them is not the same thing as being happy with where my life is. Truth is, I thought I would at least be dating someone by now...I mean, I'm 24 years old. Let's face it, most people my age have had at least one relationship. Not me. I've said before that dating as the world sees it doesn't appeal to me in the sense that dating someone you really have no intention of making some kind of commitment to is pointless. But lately, I've been re-thinking that....How can you really know that someone is worth the commitment if you don't go out a few times one on one? Follow God's leading, right? Well, what if, like me, you don't have a clue what God's voice really sounds like? Then what? Do you take a chance and go where you think you heard Him telling you to go, and risk being sorely mistaken....or is it better to not act at all? I don't know....

What I do know is that I am sick to death of sitting on the bench hoping Coach'll put me in the game...eventually.

Moses, the Mountain, and Milestones...

This past Saturday, I went with a group of friends to Christian Heritage Day at Ontario Place in Toronto where we had the opportunity to attend various leadership seminars, see Hillsong United in concert, and just generally have a good time….which is exactly what I did!

Though seeing Hillsong United live was the best concert I have ever seen (800 people made a decision for Christ that night…AWESOME!), the most incredible moment I experienced happened well before the concert started. It all started when my friend Jamie and two of our other friends decided that they wanted to try the out the big water slides at the water park that use big yellow inflatable raft type things. I decided that I would take pictures of their fun since there were stairs winding up to the top of the slide (89 according to Jamie’s estimation), making it impossible for me to partake. Being well aware of this, I thought it would be funny to start whining sarcastically about how people that walk get the best rides, and that Jamie should channel Moses and just carry me up! Again…totally joking…I was totally fine with not going up, I was just being my sarcastic self. After their first run, I noticed that Jamie did not immediately join the others back where I was sitting…So I look around, and I spot him talking to a couple of people who work at the park and sporadically glancing over in my direction. It took a few minutes, but it finally occurred to me what Jamie was doing…he was trying to get the permission to carry me up so that I could try the slide…

After convincing the staff in charge that he is stronger than he looks, they finally agreed to let Jamie carry me up with a lifeguard there as a safety measure. I was stunned that somebody would go to such lengths, not to mention, risk seriously hurting himself, just so that I could experience something I never had before…And so began our journey up the mountain…and with the exception of a quick rest about 24 or so steps up, Jamie carried me safely up all 89 steps. I have to admit, as we got closer to the top, and I could hear Jamie breathing harder, I started to wonder if maybe I should have just stayed quiet and never made those jokes. The last thing I wanted was for Jamie to hurt himself on my account.

Once we had reached the top, however, those thoughts faded and I was filled with an overwhelming sense of excitement and anticipation. Before I knew it, I was sitting in a bright yellow dinghy with Jamie sitting on my right and out 2 other friends, one on my left and the other by my feet…thus preventing me from getting spastic and falling over. The feeling of cutting those corners (the turns in the slide reminded me of a bobsled track.

I don’t think I will ever find the right words to properly describe how amazing and, in a way, life-changing this experience was for me. There is no way to emphasize how blessed I feel to have someone in my life that will do anything and everything possible, it seems, just to help me do something that I have never done before, because I thought it was impossible. On Saturday, God, through Jamie, reminded me that nothing is impossible with Him by my side.

Jamie likes to say that this day was legendary…and it truly was. The thing that really amazes me about this whole thing is that it was Jamie who put forth the necessary strength and determination required to climb that mountain…but when we came down, it was my face that was shining with the Glory of the Lord.

Fear...

This week has been a week full of learning to say the least. There were some amazing moments (actually quite a few, which I will talk about in my next post), but there were also some moments in there where I acted, or reacted badly to some things that I feel terrible about. Not to make excuses for myself, because there are none, but after a few days of thinking things over, the only reason that I can come up with in an attempt to figure out why I keep reacting this way, is that I am just plain terrified. Terrified of what, I’m not sure. Is it change? Maybe…I don’t adjust well to change, but I can accept it. For instance, at cell group last night we came to the collective decision that we will stop meeting as an “official cell group” at the end of June. I’m okay with that…sort of. The thing that makes me apprehensive about this coming to a close might be the thing that I’m so afraid of….

This year, for the first time in my life, I really feel like I’ve started living. Before then, I think I was just putting on a face for the rest of the world, just existing. I’m scared to death that if too much changes I’ll end up losing the connections I’ve made this year, because cell group ended or for other reasons. I hate admitting this because it sounds like I don’t trust the people around me to still be there regardless…and that’s not true. I’ve been told repeatedly that nothing will change on a relational level as far as friendships, and I’m trying with everything I have to believe it (which is why I don’t ever really talk in detail about any of this…I don’t want the people around me, who are some of the greatest blessings I have ever received, to think that their word means nothing), but for some reason, there is still that knot in my stomach reminding me that there’s a chance it could all go away, despite the best of intentions, as many other experiences have taught me.

I’m starting to think that a lot of this might have to do with the fact that a lot of my friends seem to know with unbelievable confidence in who they are, what their gifts and talents are, and what they’re supposed to do with their lives. Last Sunday in church we were asked to list the one thing we liked best about ourselves, and I immediately burst into tears—actually I was teary all through the message—because I couldn’t answer any of the questions positively. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be…I guess I’m afraid to be left behind. I’m sure none of this makes much sense, but it’s the best I can off as far as a look into my thought processes this week.

I want to make this clear to all of you who I am proud to call my friends, I trust you and care about you more than you probably realize, and these fears are not founded in anything that any of you have done. These are fears that I have struggled with for years (I thought they had been dealt with until a few days ago), and I am continually seeking God and working to let go of all of this, because, not only does it hurt me, but it is unbelievably unfair to those of you who have been, and continue to be such an amazing source of light, love, laughter and support in my life.