New blog
I decided to start this new blog site because I needed a place to say things that I would not normally verbalize. I haven't decided for sure yet, but I'm toying with the idea of actually posting my devotions and prayers here as a way of documenting my own spritual growth. For now, though, there are just some things that I need to get off my chest.
On Saturday night when the attendant arrived fora scheduled 30 minute shower booking, she seemed unsure as to whether or not that was, in fact, what was supposed to happen. I told her yes, and asked her why she would ask such a question. She told me that another attendant had told her that there was no way this booking could be completed in 30 minutes, and that it absolutely requires the full 45 minutes (I have 45 minutes every other day except Saturday, because I needed to change some things around because of choir rehearsals, and the only time left was 9:00p.m for 30 minutes.) I was immediately upset by this, especially once I found out who had made this comment. I had an incident 7 months ago where the attendant in question verbally abused me. I reported her, but never actually got the apology that I had been assured that I would get. To this day, I am very uncomfortable having this lady around me.
So now I'm trying to decide whether or not I should bring this up with her boss. I mean, she was NOT scheduled to have my shower, so for her to tell someone else (who is still VERY new here) what is and is not possible during a booking that she has not done in quite a long while was very presumptuous and quite rude. For the record, last night this booking took a total of 25 minutes from start to finish. This begs the question, do I report this and run the risk of making an alradsy uncomfortable situation between me and this other attendant worse....Or do I suck it up, let it go and just be uncomfortable?
Other than that, things are okay....relatively speaking. I'm still in considerable pain, but that's nothing new. I just keep praying that I get into a pain clinic somewhere soon, so I can get my life back. I still do things like choir and Alpha, which I love, but I've always got a nagging fear in the back of my mind about how bad things will be that day.
Speaking of choir...Last week, auditions were held for certain solo parts, and since I hadn't auditioned for anything in over a year and a half, I felt like I needed a bit of a refresher course, since I plan on doing some musical theatre again this summer. Well, I'll audition anyway, but if there is a repeat of years passed, and I just end up being hidden in the chorus somewhere, I won't be participating. I've been a part of said theatre group for 6 shows now, and I feel like I've more than paid my dues. But I digress...back to choir auditions...I didn't geta solo, but I never really expected to, given the level of talent to choose from, and the fact that my audition was less than anything to be proud of. I'm not sure why really...I felt fine going in, but it seemed like, as soon as I opened my mouth, all of my "Am I really even any good?" insecurities came rushing back all at once. I have a couple, well one in particular, friends who tell me that I AM good, and I WANT to believe them, but I just CAN'T. I'm not completely sure where it comes from, but I have a feeling that it comes from years of hearing my family tell me to "stop singing" as they watched TV and I hibernated in my room, lost in the music, or "stop being so unrealistic...that'll never happen". I've lost out on countless parts over the yearsm both singing and acting, and I've never been able to know for sure whether I lost the part because I'm really not good enough, or because I have a disability and no one is willing to work around it. All I know for sure is that I've tried to quit singing and acting many times over the years, but I've never been able to stay away for very long. So I've come to the conclusion that I'm either a glutton for punishment, or God has truly given me a gift in this area, and HE wants me to keep using it. I'm hoping for the latter, but I wish I could know for sure.
I will eventually, I'm sure....But, for now, I wait...
-Ashleigh
On Saturday night when the attendant arrived fora scheduled 30 minute shower booking, she seemed unsure as to whether or not that was, in fact, what was supposed to happen. I told her yes, and asked her why she would ask such a question. She told me that another attendant had told her that there was no way this booking could be completed in 30 minutes, and that it absolutely requires the full 45 minutes (I have 45 minutes every other day except Saturday, because I needed to change some things around because of choir rehearsals, and the only time left was 9:00p.m for 30 minutes.) I was immediately upset by this, especially once I found out who had made this comment. I had an incident 7 months ago where the attendant in question verbally abused me. I reported her, but never actually got the apology that I had been assured that I would get. To this day, I am very uncomfortable having this lady around me.
So now I'm trying to decide whether or not I should bring this up with her boss. I mean, she was NOT scheduled to have my shower, so for her to tell someone else (who is still VERY new here) what is and is not possible during a booking that she has not done in quite a long while was very presumptuous and quite rude. For the record, last night this booking took a total of 25 minutes from start to finish. This begs the question, do I report this and run the risk of making an alradsy uncomfortable situation between me and this other attendant worse....Or do I suck it up, let it go and just be uncomfortable?
Other than that, things are okay....relatively speaking. I'm still in considerable pain, but that's nothing new. I just keep praying that I get into a pain clinic somewhere soon, so I can get my life back. I still do things like choir and Alpha, which I love, but I've always got a nagging fear in the back of my mind about how bad things will be that day.
Speaking of choir...Last week, auditions were held for certain solo parts, and since I hadn't auditioned for anything in over a year and a half, I felt like I needed a bit of a refresher course, since I plan on doing some musical theatre again this summer. Well, I'll audition anyway, but if there is a repeat of years passed, and I just end up being hidden in the chorus somewhere, I won't be participating. I've been a part of said theatre group for 6 shows now, and I feel like I've more than paid my dues. But I digress...back to choir auditions...I didn't geta solo, but I never really expected to, given the level of talent to choose from, and the fact that my audition was less than anything to be proud of. I'm not sure why really...I felt fine going in, but it seemed like, as soon as I opened my mouth, all of my "Am I really even any good?" insecurities came rushing back all at once. I have a couple, well one in particular, friends who tell me that I AM good, and I WANT to believe them, but I just CAN'T. I'm not completely sure where it comes from, but I have a feeling that it comes from years of hearing my family tell me to "stop singing" as they watched TV and I hibernated in my room, lost in the music, or "stop being so unrealistic...that'll never happen". I've lost out on countless parts over the yearsm both singing and acting, and I've never been able to know for sure whether I lost the part because I'm really not good enough, or because I have a disability and no one is willing to work around it. All I know for sure is that I've tried to quit singing and acting many times over the years, but I've never been able to stay away for very long. So I've come to the conclusion that I'm either a glutton for punishment, or God has truly given me a gift in this area, and HE wants me to keep using it. I'm hoping for the latter, but I wish I could know for sure.
I will eventually, I'm sure....But, for now, I wait...
-Ashleigh
posted by Ashleigh @ 3:48 AM
1 Comments:
At Monday, November 13, 2006 at 7:18:00 AM EST,
Jamie A. Grant said…
Y'know, there are other non-traditional ways to work out your desire to act and sing. YouTube is a good example of that. I know that some people write and direct their own weekly five-minute shows and post them on YouTube. You may want to consider something like that, in addition to your regular choir and drama stuff.
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